The hospitality industry is often described as “non-traditional” — and with good reason. We work odd hours, encounter all walks of life, and most of us have zero concept of weekends, holidays, or actual lunch and dinner breaks. Tipped-based income can and does fluctuate. People outside the industry assume we party 24/7. It is hard enough to date in this biz, let alone build a relationship. So what happens when bar folk decide to start families?
I’ll be honest, I do not have children and the entire undertaking, especially in a country without national paid maternity leave or guaranteed health or childcare, seems incredibly daunting. While New York happens to be one of the 13 states with paid family leave laws, “12 weeks of paid family leave at 67 percent of your pay, up to a cap [of $1,177.32 weekly]” might just barely pay the rent, depending on your neighborhood.
Being part of a non-traditional industry, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that those who choose to have children within it do so creatively. Whether bringing their kids to prep day, leaning on the bar community for support, creating entirely new roles within the industry — or even choosing to leave it altogether — industry families give a whole new meaning to “raising the bar.”
Nick Bennett, former beverage director at Porchlight, always knew he wanted to be a dad. However, bartending in NYC throughout his 20s and early 30s for bars that paid in cash and didn’t tax on tips, let alone offer benefits, made wrapping his head around the concept extremely difficult. Bennett began working at Porchlight, a Union Square Hospitality Group (USHG) venue, 10 years ago. The idea of becoming a parent became possible in 2017, when USGH made news for being the first major restaurant group to offer paid parental leave. In fact, Bennett’s insurance was better than that of his wife, a partner in a law firm. He is currently a “semi-retired bartender,” puppet show host, and, most importantly, a stay-at-home dad.
Today, Kellie Thorne is the Global Headquarters Bar and Mixology Lead for Suntory Global Spirits in NYC. But 16 years ago, she was a lead bartender in Georgia. Thorne was in her mid-20s, working on building her career while at the same time pulling double shifts throughout her pregnancy to save up enough to self-fund her maternity leave. Her bar had an immobile bar top, meaning Thorne had to crawl under the bar “through a doggy door” while eight months pregnant. She was put on bed rest for the last month due to being on her feet every day, leaving her $2,000 short of her goal. “I almost had a breakdown,” she says.
Entrepreneur LP O’Brien also self-funded her maternity leave, “front loading” her event and consulting work on the calendar when she found out she was pregnant in 2023. O’Brien worked several international events while pregnant with her first daughter, with brands like Italicus and Campari flying her first class to ensure her comfort, and events like Cayman Cookout and Hawaii Food and Wine Festival going out of their way to make sure she felt supported.
Support like this goes a long way to showing other industry professionals that, yes, they can choose to have a career and a family, and the industry will celebrate them. It wasn’t all that long ago that women were demoted or suffered cut shifts once management learned they were pregnant. “Pregnant isn’t a dirty word,” O’Brien says. “I can still hold a bottle in my hand.”
“There is so much instability in this industry, even in salaried positions,” says Greg Kong, the beverage director of NYC’s Nomad Tea Parlor. “For a long time I wasn’t even sure if I wanted kids.” Kong recently returned to work after taking a paternity leave for the birth of his son. He plans on using the rest of his work-based paternity leave after his wife, a former server, returns to her 9-to-5 job at Sotheby’s.
While we currently have mayoral candidates in NYC running on a platform of free childcare, the average cost in the city is 16 percent higher than the rest of the country. According to a recent report published by New York City’s comptroller, “a family would need to earn $334,000 to afford the cost of care for a two year old in New York City, four times the median family income or the equivalent of 10 minimum wage jobs.” Hospitality workers may not be able to utilize (or afford) traditional daycare, given that their schedules are often the opposite of 9 to 5. An NYC cafe founded by a USHG alum pioneered a program offering childcare to its staff through Vivvi, but it closed in 2020.
So how exactly do industry parents manage to take care of kids?
“We did it the really hard way. We had no sleep, never saw each other, we were broke, and both working opposite schedules.”
Like many parents in this country, Natasha David, an author and beverage creative director of New York-based Happier Hospitality, had to return to work shortly after her son was born. At the time, David owned and operated the now-shuttered Lower East Side bar Nightcap while her husband, Jeremy, worked at Death & Co. The two had no childcare; their son would instead take naps in bus bins, colleagues would take turns holding him, and the couple would do 4 a.m. handoffs with each other.
“Being a parent or being around someone who is a parent requires a willingness to constantly adapt and change,” David says. “And if there is one thing our industry is good at, it’s that.”
On busy Friday nights, she would pump milk in the basement, and the barbacks set up a special spot in the walk-in for her to stash the bottles. Eight years later, David has created a job she “dreamed up for herself,” consulting on bar programs, which allows her to be a “present parent.” She and her husband “work like crazy” but see their kids all the time and refuse to miss a karate tournament for any job.
Farther down the Eastern Seaboard, Thorne’s experience starting a family while bartending was made all the more complicated by having a partner in culinary school.
“We did it the really hard way,” Thorne says. “We had no sleep, never saw each other, we were broke, and both working opposite schedules.” Thorne’s son is now 16, and she cannot remember his baby days. Later on, he would come to the bar with her and help on prep days. Throughout her career, she has chosen roles that would allow her to have more time with her son, eventually moving closer to family in Georgia so they could lend a hand with childcare. Moving to NYC and working for a corporate spirits house like Suntory is the first time she has had a more traditional schedule. Now solo parenting, Thorne leans on the industry community for help when she has to travel for work.
“Working Sunday brunch is the best training ground for being a parent.”
O’Brien’s role in the industry has also evolved and changed through parenthood. She chooses work and projects that align with her values and ensures quality parenting time (baby No. 2 is on the way). Her husband works 9 to 5 in commercial real estate and they have a part-time nanny. As she is frequently asked to speak at and participate in industry conventions like Bar Convent and Tales of the Cocktail, childcare during such events is at the forefront of her mind.
Childcare at liquor events is a tricky subject — booze brands legally can’t sponsor something for the under-21 crowd. O’Brien is currently launching The Cool Mom’s Club, a platform via Focus on Health highlighting parents in the industry. Their first event will be in partnership with The Ada Coleman Project in D.C. (At a panel hosted by the organization last summer, O’Brien presented with her daughter on her lap.) Another platform focused on starting families in the industry, Hospitality For All, currently provides grants to new parents.
Of course, not everyone returns to work. Bennett decided to leave the industry to raise his son. “My wife has a career,” he says. “I had a job.” While he plans to eventually return to the bar in some capacity after his son starts school, and occasionally experiences FOMO watching his friends embark on new projects, being able to watch his son grow and learn daily is the “highlight” of his life.
Ironically, working in an industry that is not conducive to raising children imparts a unique skill set that lends itself to parenting. “Hospitality is an act of service,” Thorne says. “Wanting to create wonderful experiences — that applies to being a parent.” Bartenders are fantastic at multitasking and entertaining, managers need organizational skills to balance schedules, and everyone in the industry develops enormous amounts of patience and the ability to diffuse tricky situations and placate unruly guests.
“More women in leadership has changed the perspective of what should be offered. However, the only way to make this a professional industry with longevity is to be able to consider that you can have a family.”
Then there are the technical aspects: Bar folk have food handlers’ licenses and are used to identifying and working around food allergies and picky dietary issues. They know how to sterilize things efficiently, are no strangers to pivoting on a dime or cleaning up puke, and, in Bennett’s case, know how to use gram scales to measure formula. “Working Sunday brunch is the best training ground for being a parent,” David says.
Bar folks raise bar kids. Bar kids can hold conversations with adults, they learn to navigate social situations and how to behave in restaurants very early on. They are exposed to a variety of flavors, cuisines, and cultures and sometimes even travel as a byproduct of their parents’ profession. Thorne’s son, mainly raised by chefs, has “an amazing palate” and started eating oysters at 4 years old. He would make cocktails and play mixologist in his bubble bath the way his mom would make drinks for a cocktail menu. David’s 5-year-old daughter’s favorite food is sardines. And Bennett? His son just had the pleasure of attending a hot chocolate and Chartreuse event with him (NA cocoa, of course).
In the eight years since USHG became the first to offer paid family leave, 35 percent of restaurant groups nationwide now offer healthcare, while only 9 percent offer paid family leave — figures that lag well behind the national average for other industries. The Independent Restaurant Coalition has been advocating for affordable childcare solutions for restaurant workers via the federal government. But is the industry at large doing enough to support the families of the folks who make up their “bar families”?
“More women in leadership has changed the perspective of what should be offered,” Thorne says. “However, the only way to make this a professional industry with longevity is to be able to consider that you can have a family.”
Of course, having a family and being able to comfortably provide for them while having time to be with them are not the same thing. “We certainly aren’t the first generation to work in bars to have kids,” says David. “But I always hope that by sharing, our industry will start making more truly impactful changes to help parents.”
The article Bus Bin Bassinets and Bottle Service: How New Parents in the Bar World Make It Work appeared first on VinePair.
